Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.