I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
You better watch out
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist