ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
#MeanwhileInCanada
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.