The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.