Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Just had my nails done!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure