My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
IT’S-A ME,
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?