After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.