[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
bears
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I’m being attacked 😭
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*lint rolls you awake*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”