Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
#Caturday
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
adam and eve had first world problems
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.