[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I bet birds love this building.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Mummies are just super modest zombies
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel