Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master