Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
You Might Also Like
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
bout dat hot dog summer
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.