[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup