being a writer on Twitter:
You Might Also Like
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.