Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!