What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
These are my roll models.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong