When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?