I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Beware of fowl play.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.