You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
You Might Also Like
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
When he asks for feet pics
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*