A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.