[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Monday
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.