Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
mom gave me mine for free
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
the #horror is real!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?