Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
they should invent a rest for the wicked
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed