Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
BaD BoY!!
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.