Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
You Might Also Like
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…