Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo