[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
i will not be silenced
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
This sounds bad:
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sticker placement is key.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol