A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda