Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
You Might Also Like
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
We’re all getting idioter.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
yea so i messed up lol
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Become a minion. Get that bread.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.