True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
12. I think about this all the damn time
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.