It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones