I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
my mom making me talk to relatives