Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.