Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*limbos away from your hug*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
In Canada they just call them geese
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Lmao
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize