A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
So inspired right now.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.