A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
How to find Kentucky on a map
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”