Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
look at me when i’m typing to you
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here