I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!