WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
💻🤡
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?