[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“you recording!?”
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I’m crying im so happy for them
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”