Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
You Might Also Like
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Can’t stop laughing
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.