mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
fair
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂