[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.