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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
where the womens at?
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.