A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
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[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.