Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
She was REALLY feeling it.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?