Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
You Might Also Like
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.