*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich