My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: I鈥檝e always said I鈥檇 never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that鈥檚…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Women do things I can鈥檛 even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that鈥檚 less awkward..
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven鈥檛 had my second cup of coffee yet I can鈥檛 do this conversation right now
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*