When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
doing your own taxes
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.